Princess Cameron and Remy of Loxley
by Vanamo
Summary: Camteen, old school. As in twelfth century with wizards and knights and castles, oh my! Crack!


This idea came to me, of all places, in Algebra. Apparently its what I think of when someone says 'fog'. Crack ahoy!

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Princess Cameron brushed her hair, staring out her window. She was most incredibly bored after the long and dreary previous night. Her father, a nobleman and a distant cousin of King Richard the Lionheart of the great kingdom of England in the 1190th year of our Lord, had betrothed her to a man whom she did not know and whom she was sure was twice her age. Although she was by no means young for the prospects of marriage, she was just now sixteen and had only just become engaged. A few more months and she would have been an old maid, how ghastly!

Her only comfort was that her father was leaving today to join King Richard in the crusade to take back the Holy Land and that her possible husband would be joining them. But oh, before leaving he had promised to return to her and they would be married immediately. She resisted the urge to spit at his putrid face; he would no doubt leave many a bastards back in Jerusalem.

Finally setting down her brush, her golden hair as nice as could be expected, she called for her servants. Almost immediately they were at the door. "Yes my Lady?" one asked.

"Have breakfast ready before I return," she said callously. Servants were oh so annoying. "And this time try not to burn anything."

"Shall we help dress thou, my Lady?" the other questioned timidly.

Cameron rolled her eyes and said in a huff, "Does thy not have two hands?"

With that, the women tripped over their feet trying to leave her chambers. Such heartlessness was the role she was forced to play as a lady. But the quickly pushed the thoughts out of her mind. The morning fog had not yet cleared and she longed to slip into the wondrous mist, through the trees and to the lake where the view gave her such pleasure.

Oh, it was like angels were in the trees. So fleeting, as she walked through the mist things became visible, and vanished again. Ah, she would write poetry after she returned for the midmorning meal about the innocence of morning and childhood. She skipped over the rocks in her path, making a game of counting the woodland creatures as she went. The birds chirped to greet the summer morning. She laughed and nearly tripped over a fallen branch.

All of a sudden, a wild looking man with peppery hair and a roughly carved cane. He wore a tattered hat, long robes, and had face paint on! He saw her, his blue eyes visible even through the fog, and grinned widely. "Ah, blonde hair and dainty nails, just what I need for thy latest potion! Thank thy, gods of the earth and water!" He continued rambling crazily, limping quickly towards her.

"Eek!" Cameron shrieked. He was mad! She stumbled over a tree root and fell down, rolling backwards into a patch of clover by a brook.

"Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog tails!" he cried. "Diddley-dee, Googlely-gum, one fish two fish, fee fi fo fum!"

"Thou does realize thou'st just blatantly stolen many a well known pop culture references, does thou not?" Cameron asked.

"Indeed! I am the wizard Houseth and I shall rule this land!" he yelled happily. "Now, fair maiden, I shall chop off your fingers!"

"Oh dear!" she cried, trying to back away as he came closer to the edge of the small hill where she had fallen down.

"Doth I hear a cry of a fair maiden in grave danger?!" A voice cried. Out of nowhere, a tall, blonde man in armor on a white horse jumped out of the fog, across the banks of the creek. "I, Sir Chase of Nottingham, with thy trusty steed and soft, floppy hair, will rescue her!"

The crazy man pointed his cane at the knight and a toad suddenly jumped right at the horse, startling it and sending Chase flying back into the creek. Cameron burst into laughter. What a sight before her fated demise! Oh, at least she would not be married.

"Curse you!" Chase shouted as the water flooded into his armor, making it nearly impossible for him to raise himself up. "Thou, evil wizard, will pay! My father, the Sherriff of Nottingham, will hunt thou down and cast out the demons from thy soul!"

The mage stuck out his tongue childishly. "Nyah Nyah!"

A sudden _whoosh_ met Cameron's ear and out of the blue an arrow was jutting out of the wizard's tongue. He cried out in pain, which only further aggravated the wound. Meanwhile, the knight moaned and whimpered because his knickerbockers were in a most uncomfortable area and his armor became further waterlogged. Cameron paid him absolutely no mind and turned to the grove where she believed the arrow to have originated.

The wizard finally yanked the arrow out of his tongue and roared in agony. "Thy shall be back!" he cried, though muffled by the gaping hole in his tongue. The wizard dramatically flung his cloak over his shoulders and disappeared in the mist.

Out of the wood stepped a sight so beautiful Cameron couldn't describe. The archer's eyes, oh they made her swoon! And the way the arrow had soared through the air; the fingers that allowed its release were surely well worn and nimble. The archer was young, with shorter wavy brown hair and a sculpted jaw. Not one hair grew on his…wait, was her hero…"Female!" she blurted out.

The archer chuckled lightly. "Indeed," her savior spoke. She then took a deep bow and kissed Cameron's hand. "I am also the daughter of the infamous Robin Hood, who raised me after my mother, Maid Marian, passed. I learned to shoot a bow, pickpocket a tax collector, and, most importantly, the manners one should have in the presence of a lady. I, Remy of Loxley, am at thy humble service."

Sometime in the picturesque scene, the knight who had been long forgotten had grabbed onto the reins of his steed and allowed himself to be dragged home. Though with any luck, he would fall off a cliff, never to be seen again.

"Thank you," Cameron said. Oh, her knees could very well give out. "But thou does realize that the documented Robin Hood of the twelfth century had no children, and Maid Marian was only associated with Robin Hood from the sixteenth century onward?"

"Oh shhh!" Remy said with a smug grin. "If thou art a stubborn lass, allow me to have the pleasure of thy company on this fine morning,"

"My charming hero, so copied from Keira Knightley in the _Princess of Thieves_, which the writer was somewhat obsessed with as a child," she replied with total disregard for history, their timeline, and the fourth wall, "it would be an honor if thou were willing to accompany me to the lake shore."

"Of course," the archer answered, nodding humbly in acknowledgement of Cameron's obvious noble birth. "But pray tell, my Lady, may I have the name of the maiden who makes my heart pound so?"

"Please, call me Cameron," she said sweetly.

"Lady Cameron," Remy repeated, the name falling so easily off her lips. She held out her arm. "Shall we?"

Cameron looked up the steep hill that she had fallen down and tried taking a step. She was surprised at almost having to catch herself. Remy quickly sprang into action and caught her in her arms. "Oh, tis just these boots. The sole has worn out."

Remy's eyes lit up. "Say no more, my dear." She swept Cameron off of her feet, literally, holding her in her arms securely.

"Oh!" Cameron said in surprise. She held onto Remy's shoulders and the other woman grinned. She carried Cameron not up the hill, but along the creek. They were just where the stream met the lake, groves of clover and soft baby's breath covering the floor of the forest. Remy set Cameron down and the blonde stepped out of her boots, soaking in the sights and smells. The mist had not yet cleared, so the pair could only see a bit of the pensive, clear water.

"Now then, may we proceed to passionate lovemaking on this fine shore?" Remy asked.

"Indubitably!"

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Orginally I lost the crack about halfway through and had them actually make passionate love, hehe. But I like this ending better. I have a sudden urge to write crack lately, so enjoy :P Bio Assignments chapter 11 is underway. And if you haven't seen Princess of Thieves, go to youtube this second.


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